Many people look forward to the holidays during the winter months as a joyous time. Weeks filled with special foods, lots of bright colors to break up the cold grays of winter, inspiring music, festive lights, fireside chats, all shared with friends and loved ones. It is a time for family members to come home to the traditional family homestead and to rekindle happy childhood memories. For mourners experiencing grief during the holidays, it is quite a different story.
The grief-stricken must walk a tight balance between remembering their lost loved ones while celebrating the festival of lights or the community fete. The heartbroken are not just sad. Grief during the holidays is a time for trepidation.
The human body holds grief, stores it in several places. The most obvious is holding grief in the brain, but the body also manifests grief in sore muscles. Grief leaves its mark on the lungs and the digestive tract. Grief affects the entire human body through emotional reactions and physical feelings. To make things more difficult, Christmas, Hanukkah, and the winter holidays take place in a season of traditional activities that further underscore how large a hole the missing person left in many people’s lives.
Grieving a Loved One
Grieving a loved one is a major life event. Bereavement is the term used to describe the grieving and mourning period that a person experiences after the death of a loved one or of someone important in their life. Grieving a loved one is inescapable in this lifetime. Eventually, every human grieves a loss of some kind.
Grief during the holidays (Christmas or other winter holidays) may require some forethought when it comes to available options. For example, some mourners may choose to make plans to:
- Continue to honor the loved one’s favorite holiday traditions
- Create new holiday traditions in the loved one’s honor
- Make donations to a favorite charity in the loved one’s name
- Set up a scholarship in the departed loved one’s name to honor them. For example, setting up scholarships for music or art students if those interests were important to the loved one.
- Reserve this first holiday season as a time for grieving, remembering, and memorializing. Pray to the Creator, alone or with the faith community, for peace and solace.
- Lighting memorial candles and instituting other family rituals often provide a healing touch for mourners.
Some cultures set an extra place at the dinner table to keep the absent loved one present. For example, Native American tribes set food on a spirit plate or set out a ghost supper to honor the departed and the family’s connection to the spirit world. The practice varies by tribe. Some set the ghost plate at every meal. Some set the spirit plate during a certain period following the death. Still others set the spirit plate at a special ceremony. Whatever the practice, the meaning is clear: the departed spirit remains a valued member of the family’s emotional life and deserves honor and remembrance at mealtimes.
What Is Non-Death Grief?
Grief does not always mean the death of a friend or family member. Sorrow is the result of various events, such as:
- Loss of a beloved pet,
- End of a relationship, such as terminating a marriage engagement,
- Recognizing that a close family member has dementia,
- Moving a loved one into assisted living,
- Major life status change, such as divorce or retirement, and
- Unexpected job loss right before the holidays.
Other distresses cause grieving, too, such as the death of a career dream, disappointment over the end of an expected future goal, or the likelihood of major, unexpected health issues. Military family members with deployed partners also experience grief, stemming from their partner’s physical absence but continued emotional presence. Family members left behind may feel the loss acutely during the holidays, especially if the deployed member is unable to come home for the holidays.
Symptoms of Grief
Grief commonly presents with one or more of the following physical symptoms:
- Feeling hollow in the stomach
- Tightness in the chest, throat
- Heightened sensitivity to noise
- Trouble breathing
- Fatigue, low energy
- Changes in appetite
- Difficulty sleeping or fear when falling asleep
- Muscle aches and pains
In some cases, grief may be a symptom of a serious health condition known as prolonged grief disorder. When grief becomes anguish, lasts for more than a year, and interferes with the functioning of everyday life, grief crosses over to a serious medical condition. The symptoms of prolonged grief disorder include the following:
- Intense longing for the departed person
- Thoughts or images about the deceased intruding and interrupting normal thought processes,
- Difficulty believing and accepting the personal loss,
- Acute anger or bitterness over the loss of a loved one,
- Experiencing feelings that life is hopeless (empty) and without meaning.
Mental health providers can treat prolonged grief disorder with a psychotherapy tool known as prolonged grief therapy (also known as PGT). PGT consists of cognitive behavioral therapy to stand up to the pain of loss. In addition, therapists help the patient to reframe thoughts to accept the reality of the loss. At the same time, behavioral therapy activates the sufferer’s sense of life purpose. In some cases, antidepressants are used with psychotherapy to treat the depression component of prolonged grief disorder.
Coping with Loss
Here are a few steps to follow when coping with loss.
- The most important point about coping with loss is to recognize the aggrieved person’s loss and empathize with the emotions they feel. Do not compare those emotions to what other people experienced or felt. Each loss is unique to everyone.
- Encourage the aggrieved person to share the emotions they feel with other people in their circle, such as other family members, close friends, or a trusted therapist or counselor.
- Do not make light of certain losses. The loss of a beloved pet is just as valid as the loss of a human family member. People often think of adored pets as members of their family.
- Keep hope alive even while grieving. Maintaining hope is necessary to become ready to live in the future.
- Empathize with non-death losses. The pain the mourner feels is just as real as the pain from a physical death.
- Use coping mechanisms to get through the tough times, such as creative activities like art, writing, music, or seeking group support.
As is the case with other anxiety-inducing life events, self-care is critical. Eating healthy meals, getting exercise daily, and getting enough rest and restorative sleep help to lighten the emotional load. Talk to close friends or join a support group to share your experiences, either in-person or online. In addition, be patient. Wait to make any major changes until the emotional temperature cools.
Navigating The First Holiday Without Them
To say it is a challenge to navigate bereavement following the loss of loved ones on the first holiday without them is an understatement. It is important to recognize the resurfacing of those feelings of grief and to take the time needed to mourn in a personal way. Understand that the grief may feel brand-new even if the loss occurred earlier in the year. And that is ok. After all, it is the first time that grief merged with the holiday season.
Grieving is an odyssey that includes coping, healing, recovery, and finally moving on. Talking to trusted friends or a faith leader about the newly triggered emotions may provide comfort. Wise choices for persevering through the holidays include:
- Sharing happy memories of the lost loved one with family and friends,
- Adjusting the usual traditions during this first holiday without them, or
- Even foregoing all celebrations during this first year.
The only rules for grieving are those you set. In this first holiday without them, mourners should:
- Treat themselves gently
- Ask for help if needed
- Know that feeling not OK is normal.
Try new activities that were not part of life with the lost loved one. Practice mindfulness to stay in the moment by stealing time away to a quiet place. Mindfulness is a way to navigate the hard times.
When to Seek Professional Help
The following are signs that an aggrieved person needs professional help to heal. Professional help is recommended when the grief interferes with a person’s functioning and the activities of daily life. If the person exhibits symptoms of depression or prolonged grief disorder, consult a mental health professional. If the aggrieved person takes part in substance abuse or suicidal behavior, call emergency services immediately. Other signs that warrant professional help include an extreme focus on death, extreme anger, guilt, or a demonstrated inability to feel content.
Taking the Next Step
If you or someone in your family suffers from a deep sense of loss, we invite you to contact us today. Schedule a free initial consultation with one of our licensed therapists who has years of clinical experience to help you grow and heal. Your therapist will assess your current situation and recommend the best course of action going forward. In addition, you and your therapist will tailor a treatment plan that reflects your needs and goals.
We look forward to hearing from you.
