Healing after facing a personal loss embraces initiative-taking behaviors intended to assuage grief. In some cases, grief healing must also address the heavy dose of survivor’s guilt or even shame that interferes with grief healing. Guilt feelings play a significant role in how easy or difficult it is for a person to recover from the loss.
Anecdotal evidence from psychotherapy cases indicates that whether a person faces grief due to a death, a non-death loss, or some other traumatic event, the person’s inner voice may blame the person or shame them into feeling personal guilt or responsibility for the loss. As it turns out, people are their own worst critics.
Starting in the early 2000s, therapists began practicing healing after loss through self-compassion. The following paragraphs briefly describe the concept of self-compassion and how therapists teach clients to use it to accomplish grief healing and to secure forgiveness after loss.
Is Self-Compassion a New Concept?
No. Self-compassion has formed a part of Eastern philosophies for over 2500 years, especially in the traditions of Buddhism. In Eastern philosophy, self-compassion is embedded in the concepts of mindfulness and compassion meditation.
Early Western psychologists, most notably Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow, embraced similar concepts of self-acceptance and unconditional positivity. The modern concept of healing after loss through self-compassion was made popular by the work of Kristin Neff in the 2000s. Ms. Neff developed a Self-Compassion Scale that put the self-compassion concept within reach for researchers and for clinical purposes. The Self-Compassion Scale became the model for understanding and measuring self-compassion.
What Causes a Person to Lack Self-Compassion?
A person may lack self-compassion due to the following reasons:
- Associates self-compassion with negativity, such as weakness or selfishness
- Insecure attachment issues in early childhood
- Being subjected to harsh child-rearing methods
- Experiencing childhood trauma
- Life experience that includes episodes of shame and self-criticism
- Low self-esteem (not feeling worthy of self-compassion)
- Discomfort with difficult emotions
- Dread that self-compassion leads to laziness, lack of motivation, or lack of control
Being held to unrealistically high standards during developmental years may produce a personality that believes that being hard on oneself is the road to success.
Taking the First Step to Self-Compassion
Mindfulness is the first step toward healing after loss through self-compassion. To show compassion to oneself or others, a person must first recognize that the pain is real and learn where the pain originates. Self-compassion requires the patient to look inward to find the answers.
Therapists use self-compassion exercises to raise self-awareness. Self-compassion exercises require the patient to communicate with three different aspects of their personality. The first personality facet is the inner self-critic. The second is the inner self that feels endlessly criticized. And the third is that of a wise and compassionate watcher. The point of the exercises is to reach the point of observing thoughts with kindness and understanding, but without judgment or self-criticism.
Mindfulness helps patients to contemplate nonjudgmental, neutral thoughts about what is happening in the moment. Psychotherapy can help break the cycle of self-criticism when individuals examine the causes of self-criticism at their own pace. High levels of self-compassion are seen as a highly effective tool in soothing post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) and Post-Traumatic Distress (PTD).
Self-compassion embraces celebrating small victories. Examples are:
- Focus on your personality’s good points.
- Plan something small but special just for you.
- Always concentrate on being kind to yourself, instead of being judgmental.
Most of all, understand that the tendency to self-criticize is a personality trait common to all humanity.
Working Toward Forgiveness After Loss
The first step in working toward forgiveness after a personal loss is to recognize the existence of pain, anger, and grief that flowed from the loss. For example, if a spouse were unfaithful, the aggrieved spouse must allow themselves to feel the pain and anger that most certainly flowed from the infidelity. Healing demands that the betrayed partner allow themselves to grieve the loss of loyalty and acknowledge that the feelings of depression are real. Some injuries may even rise to the level of PTSD, which may lead to the end of the relationship. Serious aftershocks that should not be denied.
Bible scripture teaches that forgiveness means letting go of all that anger. Forgiveness means praying for the person who caused the hurt. The injured person must pray for the strength to forgive, as Christ forgave humankind. Forgiveness demands humility, readiness to obey God’s instruction that we forgive those who trespass against us. Scripture directs us to concentrate our energies on faith and not on emotions.
Moving Forward Through Five Stages of Grief
Most people are familiar with the model known as the five stages of grief and healing. Remember, however, that each person’s grief journey is unique. In practical terms, the stages of grief and healing do not occur in strict order. Each person may change the step order, skip some steps, repeat others, or not follow the five steps at all. The steps in the model are:
· Denial – The initial stage is characterized by shock and disbelief, a feeling that this is not happening.
· Anger – The point at which the injured person aims anger at themselves, others, or the event itself.
· Bargaining – The person suffering the loss tries to negotiate or make deals to recover to the norm before the loss.
· Depression – By this point, the first three stages have failed to restore normalcy, so deep sadness sets in. This is a grief that leaves the person feeling empty at the reality of the loss.
· Acceptance – This final stage is the place where the aggrieved or injured person learns to live with the new reality. The loss will always be there, but it is less intense. The person has transitioned, moved forward, and moved on to face the new beginning.
Not everyone moves through all five stages of grief and healing. Grief and healing are also not linear, so people may move back and forth between the stages as different feelings arise during the healing process. Do not treat the five stages as a prescription for the correct way to grieve.
Grief and Grace During the Grieving Process
The path toward healing after a personal loss is often difficult, painful, and lonely. Moving through life after loss triggers heartache and grief. An aggrieved person may slip into deep mourning and extended periods of bereavement. People may feel abandoned and long for the grace and forgiveness promised by their religious faith.
Grief and grace after loss are tied together. The key to understanding the intersection of grief and grace is that the two terms are not interchangeable. Christian scripture says that grace is evidence of God’s love, mercy, and favor. Grace is freely given to all the faithful, especially following a loss and during the grieving period. People cannot earn God’s grace, and they do not deserve His kindness. People receive grace and salvation through faith, not hard work.
Here is how the Bible distinguishes between grace and forgiveness. When it comes to prayers for forgiveness, the Bible says seekers must perform two observable, external acts. The first act is a confession of one’s sins. The manner of confession is determined by the faith community’s practices. The second act demands that the faithful who earnestly pray for forgiveness must extend forgiveness toward those who do wrong against them. They must let go of bitterness, rancor, and unrealistic expectations. Forgiveness requires a conscious decision to forgive others for the sake of your emotional health. It may mean adopting a new, more positive perspective on the loss. Finally, forgiveness is the faithful’s response to God’s grace.
The grieving process may encompass mindfulness to keep grounded in the present and make the effort not to dwell on the past. The grief process means processing pain and anger, without suppression. It means not blaming yourself and assuming no guilt toward how you process your loss.
Most pivotal to a successful healing process is finding a way to integrate the loss into your life from now on. That is, rethinking the hurt to focus on the present and the future, not the past.
Consider Professional Help
Refinery Counseling Services, LLC (RCS) is a premier, private psychotherapy practice in Georgia. We are proud of our founding as a woman-owned, veteran-owned, and minority-owned practice. Our firm’s mission is to empower every client to grow and heal on their personal mental health journey. We commit ourselves to providing compassionate support and the resources needed to accomplish their goals.
If you or someone you know has suffered a loss and seeks help through therapy, please contact us today. Our friendly staff will be happy to schedule a free, initial consultation for you with one of our therapists. Our therapists are licensed and have years of clinical experience. Your therapist will assess your current situation, enquire into background information, and tailor a treatment plan that meets your needs and goals.
Remember: A professional therapist is skilled at helping and guiding you through the grief process. We look forward to hearing from you soon.
